Finding my strength, my courage, my inspiration

So this year I turn 40.  Turning 30 was great for me, I felt empowered.  The "trying to find yourself  20s" were over and I had a rough idea of who I was.  9 years later and here's good ole 40 knocking on the door.  I have to admit it I am a bit... ok... a lot freaked out.  So there's nothing like a good mid life crisis to make you sign up to run a half marathon.  Yep, that's what I did.  3 weeks after my 40th birthday I'll be crossing the finish line of my 1st (and quite possibly only) half marathon.  I know for sure I'll cross that finish line.  Will I cross it upright?  That's hard to say.  Crawling over it is a better possibility.

Since signing up,  I've been researching different training plans for before the race, motivating songs for my IPod during the race, and knee replacement surgeries for after the race.  During my research I decided to take a week off of running before the "official" training begins to get the 39.98 year old knees in best shape they could be.  During my week of rest I began to second guess my hasty decision to embark on this journey - as all hasty decisions tend to make you do. What was I thinking?!  How the heck am I going to be able to do this?!  Running 13 miles is a lot more than running 6 miles!  I needed to re-talk myself into getting my head in the right place.  I needed inspiration!  I needed motivation!  I just plain needed courage.  So, I started thinking about some of the people in my life who has shown real courage and strength and found myself in complete and utter awe of how the human spirit can rise to the occasion when called.

I first thought of my stepson Justin who over 6 years ago while serving in Iraq was waiting for the word of the birth of his first child - a son.  Now, I can't even begin to imagine what our military sons and daughters have to endure in a crap hole like that, and on top of it, have to be that far away while your first child is born.  That's more than I would be able to endure.  That is strength and courage.

I also thought about my brother in law John, who as we speak is in the fight for his life.  At the age of 32,  he is fighting colon cancer.  With biweekly chemo treatments that make him ill, and then on top of that having to go home with a chemo pump attached to you,  he still smiles and relentlessly teases me about forgetting my one and only responsibility of Christmas...BRING THE BUNS!  I've not heard him once complain about his situation, but boy - oh - boy did I hear about forgetting the buns!  He is my inspiration.

 colon cancer awareness

So I've found my courage, my strength, and my inspiration and didn't have to go far to find it.  12 weeks from now they will be my strength and courage and long after I cross the finish line, my inspiration as I continue to run-for-my-life.

Letting Go

Today I was faced with the decision of having to let go of my faithful best friend of the past 15 1/2 years.  In doggy years she was 105 and it was time to let her have some peace.  She went to sleep very easily, no fussing, no whining, no pain.  The process was quicker and easier than I had expected - it wasn't easy though by a long shot to have to say good bye and let her go.

On the drive home in the midst of my uncontrollable weeping, I felt almost guilty that for the past year,  I have held onto her when I should have let her go sooner.  For my own selfish reasons I could not or would not and therefore did not let go.  I found every excuse I could to avoid the decision: she wasn't that blind or that uncomfortable, she had love yet to give and love yet to receive, or maybe she'll just go in her sleep some night.  Last 4th of July I thought, "This is it, she's going to the light!"  We shed some tears and said our peace, and 10 minutes later she popped right up and was fine.  I'm telling you she has had like 12 lives!  Well - last week it became clear that her quality of life really wasn't what was humane for her.  For everything she's given us, she didn't deserve to be banished to the bathroom.  It was time to let go.

I started to wonder why is it so hard to let go?  Letting go of the people or pets we love, well that's an easy answer - we love them.  But what about letting go of the things that should be easy to let go of like the fear of failure or the feelings of inadequacy?  Those aren't things or feeling we want in our lives anyways and you'd think we'd be able to let them go as quick as a past due cable bill (remembering the last post, please pay your cable bill - thanks).

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes the fear of what happens after we let go, is greater than the pain of actually holding on.  I'll say it again - THE FEAR OF WHAT HAPPENS AFTER WE LET GO IS GREATER THAN THE PAIN OF HOLDING ON.  Maybe this is why so many women stay in abusive relationships or just plain stay with the wrong person and settle all their life.  Maybe this is why the over weight unhealthy person won't let go of their bad eating habits or their emotional eating.  It's not will-power, it's fear of letting go. They are too afraid of letting go of the possibility of failing so why try.  It's too hard, I'm too heavy, I'm just going to quit anyways.  They can't or won't and therefore don't let go.

When I stood in line for my first 5K, the one thought I had other than I really should've gone pee - was, "What if I can't do it?"  "What if I quit and make a fool out of myself?"  I knew that I had run 2 -  5K road tests on my own and completed them - plus ran numerous on my treadmill.  My heart knew I could do it, but my brain didn't want to let go of the fear of failing.  Then before I knew it the horn blew and I was ushered along amongst a sea of people and I didn't have the chance to go pee!  I finished my 5K well under my predicted and PRd it by 3 minutes!  The thought of - "it's hard to pee if you're moving" did keep me going I have to say.

my best friend Maggie

So I ask you this - what is it that you haven't let go of that's keeping you from having the best you deserve?  What feelings or thoughts do you need to let go of to help you win your race?  What recording in your mind do you play over and over that keeps you trapped?  It's time to let go and start living your life to the potential you deserve.  I'm letting go, not looking back, and running for my life!

The view from the bottom

One of the most beautiful views I can remember is the view from my 18th floor apartment in Pearl City, Hawaii after a rainstorm.  The clouds had just broken and the sun was beginning to peak through.  As I stood in front of my window I could see a rainbow developing right in front of me.  I swear I could see the top of the rainbow.  I was in complete and utter awe.  I remember thinking, "This is what beautiful feels like." (highly recommend visiting Hawaii after one of their rainstorms by the way)

About 5 years ago I was at one of the lowest points of my life.  I had a job as a telemarketing bill collector for the cable company.  Yes, I was one of those people who called you to let you know your bill was past due and you were about to get shut off unless you paid me what you owed, and then I would try to sell you more services than you could afford, all the while raising the amount of your services you couldn't afford to begin with.  (I think you can see why this was a bleak job)  I sat for 8+ hours, miserable, trying to make my $4 commissions and stuffing my face in the process.  I think at one point I had eaten McDonald's for lunch every day for 6 months.  I was the heaviest I have ever been and I was so depressed.  I hated my job, my life and myself for allowing me to become this other ballooned up, miserable person.  I can remember feeling so depressed driving to work one day that I honestly contemplated driving my car into the path of a semi.  Yeah - shocking.  But that's honestly how I felt.  I don't think  my husband or my family ever realized (until they read this) that I felt so desperate. 

Shortly after that, my job ended up getting outsourced to India and through some other odd events I eventually ended up back at  the school I had worked at previously for 6 years.  I worked support in Special Education and it was my heart's true passion.  For the first time in a long time I could begin to see the sun starting to poke out from behind those clouds.  I slowly started to lose weight, and lost close to 40 pounds.  The last year or so I've become a little complacent about getting to my ideal weight.  It's been easy to say, "well at least I don't weight...."  or "at least I'm healthier than what I was..."  or my favorite, "this bed is so nice and warm and it's so dark outside so I'll just skip running today."  But you know what gets me up at 4:30am (other than setting my clock 1/2 hr earlier to fool myself) - it's remembering how unhappy and miserable I felt and even more - the view I had from the bottom as I began to reclaim my life and my happiness.  Feeling the beauty of a rainbow beginning to appear.  And that's why tomorrow morning -  I will choose to get up and continue to Run For My Life.

ps: Please pay your cable bill, and if you can't be nice to the people who call you... God loves telemarketers too!

It all starts with just 1 step

No matter what you do, everything begins with 1 simple step.

Baking a cake?  The first step is deciding what kind.  After you decide between Chocolate, Vanilla, Marble, Carrot, Pumpkin, Angel Food, Black Forest, Bundt, Devil's Food, Lemon, or god forbid Cheese Cake, (which opens up a whole lot  more options) you then pretty much know how it's going to go from there on out.  If you take the easy road, you'll get a box mix.  It'll go smooth.  You really only need to add the eggs, water and maybe a little oil.  Stir a bit.  Grease the pan.  Pour. Throw it in the oven and bon appetit - you have yourself a cake.  If you're an idiot, you'll decide you want a homemade from scratch, taste like a Rachel Ray, decorated like a Martha Stewart cake.  You'll break a nail, get flour in your hair, become utterly confused when reading a "simple" recipe, and even  burn a finger or two.  But the moment you sit down and take a bite of that cake, no matter how awful it turns out - it'll be the best thing you've ever tasted in your whole life.

 I've run my life much like baking a cake from a box.  I've taken the easy roads, made lots of short cuts, done the predictable thing.  And no matter how much I've tried tasting life.  I mean really sinking my teeth into it life - I've been left with an empty cardboard-like taste in my mouth.  I've tried filling that empty taste with lots of different things - and all it seems to get me is thirsty and 25 pounds heavier.

So I decided to do things a little different this time around.  I came to the realization that if I happen to not wake up tomorrow morning -(note to self to go to sleep in nice underwear)- I'm going to make sure I at least go to sleep knowing and feeling that I did what I needed to do to make me the Rachel Ray tasting, Martha Stewart decorated me.  No more short cuts.  No more settling for the easy road.  No more excuses.

Today is the last day I know for absolute sure I  have.  So for today...I am Running For My Life.   literally